Soapmaking: The Day the Gremlins Visited, August 31, 2010

I  was going to title this entry, "The Soapmaking Day from HELL"...because it was.  Let's just say that if this had all happened on my first day making soap, I would not now--12 years later--be a soapmaker. 

The day started out nicely.  I had picked up my equipment and supplies from the warehouse the day before.  So, I thought I was ready to roll.  Then I remembered that I had forgotten (!!!) to pick up the Pomace oil from GFS  (Gordon Food Services) coming back from Ali's volleyball game last night.  No problem, right!?  It's just a half hour delay.  And, I am only doing one 4 pot session this morning.  Easy, peasy. 

When I got home, I got the hotplates out and setup the headboard counter in my parents garage.  I pulled out a card table and got the scale and all the oils ready to go.  I decided to finish pouring the final couple of pounds of castor oil out of a big 50 pound cube box.  Normally, I set the box on a table, put a gallon jug under it and turn on the spigot.  The oils flows serenely out of the box into the jug...and I am around to make sure nothing goes wrong.  This time however, I decided to go in and put a recipe on the Lye Calculator while it was flowing.  When I came out, something had bumped the box and it was serenely flowing onto the soaked paper towel I put under the jug...onto my parents very clean garage floor.  Dang it!

But a little mess like that is not going to deter me!  I got my four stock pots loaded with the oils and shea butter and put them on to melt.  Then I poured the lye bowls out--except I mispoured the lye in the first one.  I only needed 14.2 ounces and by the time my brain registered how much the scale read it was already over a pound.  Oh well, the drain down in the basement sink was running slowly--time for a good clean out!  Crap--I hate wasting my precious soapmaking things!

After a bit everything was finally combined, stickblended and starting to cook.  This is when I usually turn to my sink and wash out the lye bowls.  At my parent's I have to dash into the kitchen to do this.  When I give hot process  soapmaking lessons, I always stress not to turn your back on the cooking soap.  I really need to practice what I preach.  By the time I got the bowls washed, the oil/lye mixture was rising out of the one of the pots, splashing onto the floor and everything within a four foot radius.  OH SH*T!!! 

That little cleanup took about a half hour and used up an entire roll of Bounty paper towels!  And it was only done good enough to keep working--the final cleanup would take a couple hours and included washing walls, mopping the floor four times and cleaning up all the gardening and painting tools that got hit with the oily mixture.  And, my soap!  I ended up having to throw away 12 bars of partially cooked Kumquat soap.  But then as I carried a wash basin full of oily, dirty water into the kitchen, it slipped out of my greasy hands and fell...onto the threshold of the back door--some of it going onto the tile kitchen floor, some of it onto the garage steps and runner carpet.  Which led to another half hour of cleanup and more cussing.  LOTS more cussing!

So, now a normal person would have just shut down the soapmaking operation for the day.  After all, ALL SIGNS are pointing to eminent danger.  They are at least suggesting that if you continue on the track you are on, it may lead to loss of limb, life or blowing up the house.  RIGHT!?!?!  But, no.  I come from farm folk.  Good, sturdy, Scotch/German genes.  We don't give up.  We ARE NOT sissies.  We PERSEVERE!  DAMN IT!!!

So, I continue with the soap cooking.  Another 15 minutes pass with no problems.  Whew!  I finish three pots of soap, remove them from the burners onto the concrete floor to start cooling.  I give the slow cooking pot a good stir and turn my back...and that dang pot falls off the burner--three feet to the ground and hot soap goes all over.  Onto the wet vac, my Dad's big CB radio receiver, the power cords, and more on the floor.  Are you F*****G kidding me!  I lose another 4 bars of soap, this time my Olive Oil Castile. 

By this time, my parents have holed themselves up in the house.  They are afraid to come out for fear that my bad mood may fall on their poor shoulders.  They are also taking notes to write a new book on current trends in bad language--very bad language.  It will be a bestseller for rappers, kids from the hood and Vice President Biden.

But, this story has a nice ending.  Four soaps make it to the mold and come out very nicely the next day.  I am sure that every other soapmaker that had the good luck to make soap this day had only good things going on in their soapmaking worlds.  Every single gremlin, goblin and evil soapmaking devil was visiting me that day.  I don't think any of us will have to worry about soaping for a while.  I took them all to task and whooped them good!